Sunday, February 19, 2012

Permission to Cry

Few days ago, I asked God permission to cry.
I don't want him to think that i'm ungrateful, so that's why i asked him permission to cry.

At that moment, i was in pain. My legs hurt, knees hurt, stomach hurts, head hurts, and it's hard for me to breath.
You might think I'm acting like a baby, but it's more than a year i'm having a problem with my health.
I feel bloated, daily. My heart beat is not normal. And sometimes i couldn't breath.
But overall, i felt great! And i don't wanna complain.

But 3 days ago, i felt really sorry for myself.
As if it's an out of body experience.
I saw myself in pain, and i felt so sorry for myself.

I think it was the first time i ever felt that way.
I have always been a strong girl :)
But that night i cried like crazy.
I cried till i couldn't breath.

I felt sorry for this unloved girl who can't even smile and be happy.
I felt sorry that she's feeling guilty not being able to feel happy just by being with her family (like normal mothers).
I felt sorry that she's in pain daily.
That she tries hard to please people.
That when she got hospatilized, she still had to worry about her family.
That at many points of her life, this unloved girl thought about how death would free her from all her pain and problems.

I really pitty the girl. So i asked for His forgiveness, and cried.
There are so many things that I'm grateful of. Crying seems to be a crime.

But heck, i cried. After that, i felt better. Though i couldn't breath.
It still surprises me how i cried that night :)
I hope that unloved girl feel better tonight.

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