Soul Searching

are You there?

I have always considered myself close to God.
I tried hard to make Him happy.
I tried to worship Him, unconditionally. (I'm reading it again, and not believing)
Little did I know, I wasn't close to him... I'm intimidated by His image.

Then some time ago, I had small discussion with @benhan in Twitter.
We were talking about Budha & recommended books.
I'm a moslem, by the way.
After few small talk, he pushed me to corner by saying
"It's okay to read someone else's experience, but it's better to experience it yourself.
When will you do it?"
Not the exact words, but I didn't reply. Couldn't.

I did not have the courage to start my own journey.
For me, it was always somebody else's story, and I felt secure enough just to tag along.

Now, I think I can manage making more mistakes by actually walking my own path.
Testing my own feeling. Searching my own true soul.
Not a Mohammed's story. Not an Isa's story. Not other prophets' story.
Mine.

So, I stopped praying. I stopped worshipping.
Instead I asked a question.
Why should I?
Worship you?
Why should I?
Am I honestly, comfortable enough, to embrace You, love You, accept You, as my God?
Or is it Your holy words had me before I had the time to decide for myself?

I am trying to find the truth. You were always in me. I was always going towards You.
But I need to know the real me, before I know the real You.

So this is my journey. Trying to find me.